Easter's just around the corner; and as my girlfriend (who is Jewish) prepares for her first churchgoing experience with my family, I got to thinking about a position in which it seems a lot of people in our generation find themselves. I grew up going to church every Sunday, and then later on at least on the holidays. Eventually, holiday churchgoing's importance became less about worshiping a deity than about being a family tradition that I still enjoyed for its ties to my childhood.
Now, however, I look forward at my future and I'm uncertain. My girlfriend is a non-practicing Jew and I am, at least currently, a non-practicing (but still believing to some extent) Christian. While a part of me wants everything to be exactly the same as in my childhood, another part of me sort of knows that I will need to create new traditions with my own family one day. This idea of creating new traditions is actually a little bit frightening, like I thought I would be going out on the tightrope of life (yeah similes!) with a safety net, but they found a rip in it at the last minute and had to take it down. Part of it is that I only know one way to raise a child, which is the example I saw when my parents raised me; and that way was inundated with religion.
Has anyone else out there experienced these same kinds of thoughts? For the married out there, if you were brought up with religion in your life, have you thought about how that will or won't be included in your future? Have you discussed this with your spouse? Maybe I'm the only one who's lapsed in my religious life to this extent, but I have the feeling I'm not.
Man, my first post back, and it was a doozy. Expect a return to my roots, aka wrestling PPV recaps, next weekend. :)
Changing traditions
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7 comments:
Keith,
Good return to Egypt 6. None of the frivolity for the past (until last week at least).
Back on point... I think your situation is one many people can relate to. My situation is quite similar as I grew up a practicing Catholic, having gone to Catholic middle and high school. During college I never seemed to get quite as into it as I used to and now I find myself in the category of believing, but not actively practicing.
Since my wife wasn't Catholic, we ran into great difficulties trying to negotiate a wedding that met both of out needs. She was more than willing to have a Catholic ceremony, but ultimately we ended up having a Lutheran type ceremony because it was more understanding of our situation and focused on the values that were important to us.
I think this is similar to your issue of having to create your own traditions. Our wedding was uniquely our own and as we move from holiday to holiday with the different relatives, we are learning along the way what we want to be part of our holidays when they are finally at our house together.
Only 2 1/2 years into this, we are still working on it. I have no answers, but I can certainly relate.
That's interesting, and my girlfriend and I were discussing the whole wedding ceremony thing last night, in light of my brother's upcoming wedding; it will be done by a United Methodist pastor who is a friend of the family, but they specifically requested that it be as non-religious as possible. But they were at least both raised Christian; if you make it a Christian and a Jew, even such things as who walks you down the aisle to "give you away" becomes an issue to deal with. If the two of us get married, there will definitely be some interesting questions to ask.
As I mentioned in the main post, I went to church with my family on Easter Sunday yesterday; and it became painfully obvious that I just do not get anything out of the typical middle class United Methodist church service anymore, if indeed I ever did. Perhaps I just need to find a church that is more in line with what I currently believe, or that has a worship style that speaks to me more; however I honestly don't feel the need for public worship to be a part of my life.
And so I realized that a main part of the whole idea of traditions changing is the question of whether I would bring my kids to church one day. If I don't get much if anything out of a church service, do I really feel there is value in bringing my children? And if I don't go to church with them, how do I handle the topic of religion with them? That is the heart of the issues I'm having, and I know there is no easy answer.
Again, these are really important issues that you are bringing up. My friend is getting married and she is a christian and her fiancee is Jewish. They are having an interfaith ceremony, but it will be conducted by a rabbi and include all of the necessary Jewish things, (I would elaborate, but I am not very familiar with them at this time). It will also include the christian elements that are important for her. Honestly, neither are that religious and a great deal of what they are doing is for the sake of the family, but I think at least initially what they have been going through, trying to marry their traditions as much as they are trying to marry each other, is an important part of the process.
As far as not feeling your church is for you, I can certainly relate, as I mentioned that I lost my passion for church when coming to college. It wasn't really college that did it, but more that in Maryland, the services were too different for me and that many of the familiar things that made them my traditions were missing. (I also don't like guitars playing at church, which is another issue).
Anyway, at this point I would like to believe I will return to my faith as many wayward Catholics do later in life, but I think at this point I will be content to try to openly discuss religion when the issue comes up with my children and just see where it goes. I don't feel right really raising my children one way or another if I didn't align with a particular faith for my wedding, but it doesn't mean I will try to force my children to a particular religion or away from one. Honesty, I remember visiting other friend's church groups and other events and feeling like these experiences were quite beneficial to my overall faith.
It is easy to talk about this now, however I too am curious to see what the future holds. I suspect in my own case it will not be easy... that having been said I have not regretted my decisions up to this point either.
Ok, to start off on a side note--yes, Joe I know I am one day late making this post as it is no longer the weekend, but that does not negate the fact that as we discussed, I did WANT to do it over the weekend--however, I'm doing it now.
This is actually a very intersting topic for me, and one that I have actually been somewhat uncomfortable with for a good part of my life. I'm sure both of you know, that although my mom's side is Catholic and my father's side is Jewish, I neither of my parents are religious at all, and I was not brought up giong to either church or temple. Obviously, I have no idea who I will end up marrying at this point, so I may not be of much use on that end, but I can certainly relate to the feelings of uncertainty revolving around religion. Most of my friends growing up were Christian, and went to religion class or to church on sundays. I felt left out because, as a child, I just wante to do what all my friends were doing. I now understand that my parents just did not want to indocrinate me with something they did not believe in, which I guess relates to what you are both talking about in terms of raising children. I have always celebrated all of the Catholic and Jewish holidays out of tradition, as opposed to religion, and although this has been fun, I sometiems have felt almost like a hypocrite because I never went to church on Xmas or to temple or synagouge. Typically, many people cannot celebrate Xmas without goign to church. However, as I have gotten older, I am more understanding of the fact that it is ok to celebrate out of tradition and family if that is what you believe in...and family is really what I have faith in, although it is not a religion. It is just as importnat to me to be with my family at holidays as it would be for some to go to church. I have sometiems felt judged for this, but I cannot help what others think...what bothers me, even to this day, is that since I grew up around moslty Christians, I felt like I needed everyone to know that I celebrated Xmas. I would only tell people I was half Jewish if I preceded it with the fact that I am half Catholic. What bothers me the most, is that to this day, I still find myself doing that, and I really hate that about myself. I guess it is just this need from my younger years to feel "accepted" and to fit in, although I have obviously been exposed to many other religions and beliefs at this point in my life. I feel that as long as you do not inflict your beliefs on others in an offensive way, and as long as you respect what other people believe, then it is all acceptable. I guess I am just proof that old habits are hard to break. There was, however, always part of me that enjoyed having the Xmas tree in one corner of the house, and the menhora in the other. :)
I respect the fact that my parents stood up for their own beliefs and values and did not try to inflict ideologies on my brother and me in which they themeselves did not believe. I think that when I have children, my main focus will be on exposing them to whatever aspects of different religions I can, and letting them choose what is importnat to them...I can only be honest in telling them that I am not sure if I believe there is a God or not, but I would never say I know for sure that there is not. Who am I to say? How would I know? I jsut am very uncertain in my own beliefs which I suppose is why it has always been an uncomfortable thing for me to disucuss. One thing I would try to help my children deal with is the feeling of being judged. I have sometiems felt that other people think there is something wrong with me becuase I am unsure of my beliefs. Over the years, I have realized that there are many more people liek that then I realized when I was younger. I hope to make my children understand that from an earlier age. It's a bit off topic, but I have also sometiems felt that the idea of death would be much easier for me if I were certain of some type of afterlife, especially one that involved being reunited with loved ones who had passed away earlier. I think it's important to try to make children less anxious about death, even if there is not a religion to back it up--if that is possible.
As for the marriage issue, my parents had two ceremonies--one for each side of the family..basiclaly, as Joe was saying, to make famlies happy. In case you are interested, one of the interesting traditions of a Jewish cereomony is that the groom steps on and breaks a piece of glass at the end of the ceremony. I do know the reason for this, but it is escaping my mind at the moment. There are several aspects unique to a Jewish wedding...if anyone is interseted I can elaborate. :)
Anyway, this is really long and rambling, but oh well. That's my two cents for now...wish I could be of more use in the marriage dept...perhaps some day. :)
The significance of the stepping on the glass is, according to my girlfriend, that you do this thing that would normally be horrible -- a glass breaking all over the floor -- on your wedding day, to show you can get over the little bad things that happen from time to time. Something like that. The only thing is, every time I've seen it done, they wrap it up in a towel so the glass doesn't get all over the place. Seems to kind of negate the point. :)
Haha ...yeah, they do wrap it in glass. I think honestly there is something more to it than that...I can get back to you on it. I wish I could remember now, but I can't. :(
I found one source that has two interesting possible meanings. One is that the breaking glass represents the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Another is that the breaking glass represents the breaking of the woman's hymen! Which I guess is supposed to happen that night, but that's a bit outdated now. :)
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